December 25, 2018 was the last Christmas shared with our entire family unit. We, of course, didn’t know it at the time. But looking back, perhaps there were hints of Dani’s depression coming back. We had many fantastic and joyful moments over the few days Dani was in town from DC, but the day before she left and the day she drove home, she was off.
We had a birthday celebration for our oldest grandson who was turning four the day after Christmas. Little cousins were around, friends of her brothers from high school, as well as the extended family. As I watched Dani’s uneasiness at the party, I attributed it to the absolute crazy time we had at Christmas the day before. Having a large family is simply amazing, but if you have the least bit of anxiety, which Dani has had for 20 years, having 16 people in one home leaves little time to find yourself a place of solace. She left the party to visit her very best friend and her family, then came home and went to bed.
The following morning Dani made a point to stop at her stepdad’s law office to complete the final steps for her Will and Power of Attorney. Jeff had done a will for her siblings with children, but hadn’t found it necessary to rush Dani’s.
“I am a grown up woman and I need a will!” She was adamant and that, in itself at the time was a bit disturbing. Jeff and Danielle spoke alone as she gave the details of where her belongings would go should she pass, and the papers were signed, notarized and sealed. “The grown woman” was now able to drive home confident she had that checked off her list.
As she hugged me goodbye she nonchalantly told me she doubted she would be back next Christmas. Thinking she was kidding I joked, “Well Dani, wherever you’re going I’m going too because you’re not leaving me here with these people if you’re not around.”
I don’t know if I should have delved deeper into her emotions, but perhaps there was a flicker of her “Plan B” as we liked to call it, if life got to a point where she once again listened to the lies of depression telling her we all would be better off without her.
Those next six weeks were filled with many texts and talks, a visit from her boyfriend, a trip to Florida to meet with her boss, having to let some employees go based on the direction of their company, and the huge task of finding another place to live in DC. Along with the stress of these outside forces, she was she trying to kick her habit of smoking and was determined to succeed. That in itself was undoubtedly a huge factor in her anxiety.
Dani had a love/hate relationship with food all of her adult life. For the most part she ate healthy, was a vegetarian and was always conscientious of her weight. Needless to say, the change in her eating habits as a result of trying to quit smoking made her self image plummet. In speaking with her I could tell she was not happy. But still, I was not worried enough to think that this is how she would leave us.
The day before she died we were texting with happy news because Dani became an aunt for the sixth time. The day was filled with immense joy for all of us! Jeff and I were busy taking care of our other granddaughter out of state, and Dani was trying not to bother us. Before bed I asked her if she was ok.
“You seem off, Dani.”
“Just stressed, but I’m fine. Sorry, I try to avoid speaking to people unless I’m going to vent to them and I always feel like I exhaust people because I’m so negative. I try not to bring people down.”
“You don’t exhaust us ever. You balance us..”
After a few more words of affirmation from her mother, I received this: 😘😘😘
And then, the beautiful dance of 33 years, 9 months and 11 days ended a mere 5 hours later.
Our final Christmas together is the most cherished one of all. Most of us never ever know when we will feel that last hug, share the last kiss, laugh the last laugh, wave the final wave, smile the brightest smile or cry the last tear together. Make them all count.
My wish for you is that you enjoy this season coming up where kids are home from school, the office gives you a little more time off work, the shopping is endless and the cookies overflowing. Try to live in the moment, experiencing the magic of Christmas, family, friends and furry pets, knowing you are blessed to have this beautiful dance in life today.
If you find yourself stumbling keep in mind those trips and falls are temporary and someone will be there to help. Do not choose the last dance. Leaving us behind is more painful than any burden you are trying to protect us from.
* If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or know someone who is, please call or text The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. Someone is always available to talk.