The hits keep coming. Not just for me, but for all of us.
It seems more often than not I dread watching the news or opening my social media account. There inevitably will be a story of someone, a celebrity perhaps, or a friend of a friend, who suddenly lost their fight against depression and mental health, often without anyone even knowing of their internal battle. Last week in particular, after learning of several tragic losses, I found it nearly impossible to not feel the pain of these families. The feeling was so intense that it brought me back to the moment I learned of losing my daughter, Dani, to suicide at the age of 33.
A few things I know:
- I know first hand the horror and pain these families are feeling, the journey they are about to embark and the sheer torture of trying to make sense of something impossible to comprehend.
- I know there is beautiful family that just had their entire world shattered with a phone call or a knock on their door.
- I know a perfect and precious soul was just caught up in unbearable “brain pain” and was unable to wait for another sunrise, where somehow things may have looked differently in the light of day.
- I know family members and friends question themselves over and over asking what they did wrong, how come they were not able to keep their person alive and safe, what did they miss? How could they have prevented this? Why didn’t they offer to help?
- How had they missed the signs? More importantly, were there any signs? Signs such as withdrawal or pulling away from their normal activities, a noticeable deeper depression, anger, a sudden short lived burst of joy or a calm that was shown the weeks, days, hours or minutes before their loved one took their last breath.
I remember thinking so many irrational thoughts praying we would find the answer. I needed a black and white answer-not an “all things happen for a reason” or “she’s now an angel” type of answer. I know those things deep in my heart. But I want to know WHY she is gone and want to clear up any misconceptions in the community that this really was “just an accident” and not a deliberate death by suicide.
The reality for me is Dani did die from depression. I’m hoping to help by sharing my thought process at the time, though sometimes quite irrational, and what went through my mind:
- Was it drugs? Please let it be drugs that made her take her life so I can blame drugs and not wonder how desperate she was to find peace.
- Maybe a physical illness? Was she terminally ill or was she in some kind of physical pain I was unaware of? Then I can blame a “real disease” and not a disease you cannot see.
- Finances? Maybe she really was not as financially stable as she obviously appeared to be. That would be a perfect reason, right? People often freak out about money.
- Relationship issues? Did she really feel she would never find her forever person and just gave up? After all, society says you must have “someone” so perhaps that is why it happened.
- Medication interaction? Was there a medication she took to try and sleep and that attributed to this nightmare? Or, did her antidepressant just stop working? I will blame the doctors if that’s the case.
All these questions, random thoughts and more crept into my mind and tormented me. So trust me, I get it. All of it. I want an answer! I don’t want to keep reading about another suicide. I want it to stop!
One way I survived this tragedy is I spoke with Dani’s psychiatrist often the first year to try and process this loss or make some sense of it. I read books, listened to podcasts, took more medication and prayed. Unfortunately, the true reality of suicide is there is no logic. There is rarely an answer. The brain is so complex that every single death has different circumstances and variables (that is why we are so invested in research) that may or may not create the perfect storm that changed the trajectory of our lives.
If you are one of the countless people affected personally by suicide, please know you can and will make it through this horrible unasked for journey. It is a long, painful and sometimes debilitating process, one that in reality may never end. But let me tell you, it does slowly change. The pain is absolutely severe and sometimes it feels like you may not make it through. I was told that the body and mind will absorb this inconceivable pain bit by bit. I often doubted I could go on. At the time I could not even comprehend how I would survive. But if there is any way I can encourage you or be of comfort, I promise, you will survive this.
That was my main goal for this blog, to reveal the pain, unanswered questions, fear, doubt, turmoil, sleeplessness, trauma and total devastation and ripple effects of suicide and encourage my fellow loss survivors that you will, somehow, some way, come through this journey. The pain will morph into something “different” that hopefully will allow you to wake up in the morning, see a ray of sunshine through the clouds and even find a smile creep up on you as you slowly begin to function and let go of the heaviest part of this journey. You may need professional help, medication, group therapy, etc., but that is ok. Just know there is hope. I’m living proof as is my entire family. We are broken and scarred but we are together.
I know there will be many times as I journey through this life where I will feel as though I can’t breathe when I learn of a suicide. However, knowing how hard it is for you, I will forever try and find a glimmer of hope for you to carry on just for another day. We need you here with us.