“I know, let’s have a big family,” I thought as we planned for a fourth child. With that in mind I have a vivid memory of driving Dani, age 9, to swim practice, along with that fourth child tucked in her car seat distracting us all. Dani’s friend, who is doing her best to jolly my baby, shared with me all the branches of her family tree. “It’s just more people to love us,” she said. Those words stayed with me forever, and, as I ultimately and unintentionally redirected my future, many years later I actually became the stepmom of that 8 year old girl, Sara, and ultimately blended my family with theirs. 

“More people to love.”  This mantra keeps playing in my head over and over.  I knew that is how we all would feel because the union of our 6 kids and my husband and I was absolutely a family decision. So many more people to love…This is a novel concept and beautiful at the core, but the agony that is attached to loving so many can be overwhelmingly devastating.

I am sitting here at the moment in anguish over the heartache that one of my children is going through right now…. or as I dig deeper in my heart, certainly it is so much more than one. This feeling is something I absolutely have no control of, and, I’m sure you have felt this helplessness as a parent. All of us that love and live for the happiness, health and wellbeing of our children feel this way at one time or another. Life throws way too many curve balls and our job, because we love them, is to find a way to adapt, judge the speed of that curve and hopefully find the sweet spot.

Helplessness by definition is the feeling or state of being where one is unable to have control of themself (or others). Yes, I feel helpless. But with that feeling, my husband reminded me tonight the reason I feel such deep devastation when our loved ones are going through their own difficult journey, is just a reminder of how much I love. 

And, to be honest, I wouldn’t trade this love for anything in the entire world. Keep on loving, for the grief, whether big or small, is just an extension of our great love.